The Brothers and the Valley of Silent Men

My final hike in Washington is a good story, and the pictures were more easily sorted through than other legs of the journey, so I am going to write about it.  I apologize that photos posted in a jumble and I am not fixig them any further.  If its trees, its the Valley of Silent Men returning from the Brothers.  Not trees are on the Brothers.  Now, after a 2.5 day, 2 night big loop through Sol Duc and some high trails, I drove the long and ghastly way (construction zones, bleak towns, tedious weaving roads, tourist trap mainstreets) to Hamma Hamma Road, it of the cute name, skipping other sections of the park with desirable mountains due to roads being washed away, or access roads being twisty, sketchy, and dirt or gravel.  I'm trying not to abuse my car as I used to, since my car is now almost not a "teenager" anymore, and once a month, won't start without some Jedi tricks.  I have had this checked out and all I can get any mechanic to tell me is that my car is fine and not only fine, but a marvel, and the envy of new car owners who have more problems than me.  A fun story I may not have mentioned from Glacier: a fellow had to have his hopped-up pimped-out $35,000 country boy truck towed for $400 on a flatbed, then found out the reason it would not start was that his vibrator/heated seat was shorting out the circuit the starter was on, and as soon as he moved the seat back, the circuit reset and his truck was fine.  Yeah, I like a car that I drive, not that drives me.  I don't want any special robot nano-satellite linked artificial intelligence add ins, I just want to get from A to B.  And actually I am happier the less driving I do.  But road trips require it and I've climbed and hiked every decent peak within 50 miles of where I live.

Another aside: while in Olympic National Park, which is not it turns out, the whole peninsula as I thought, there were signs everywhere telling me to vote against national park expansion and to vote for working families.  Blah blah blah, apparently, so far as I could make out: the government wants to forcibly buy more land from people currently living in areas sort of inside the park.  These homes were there first.  Now, I found it odd passing through neighborhoods in a rainforest, but Olympic National Park is already pretty big.  Many of the mountain trails require 25 mile approaches.  That is not ideal because the legs are burned up by the time you start going up.  And few people do it.  Mostly, I only saw people within 1 mile of trailheads.  So why exactly does the park need to be bigger?  This is one park I say is plenty large enough, especially if 5 years after a flood, I still can't get to the Doswallips peaks because the road has not been repaired.  Washington seems to do a pretty good job running their forests, and every forest I saw looked danged healthy, though there are some ugly clear cut spots on the hills.  These are rotated, and my jokes and grievances with the logging trucks aside (I forgot to mention about Mt St Helens that while permits to climb the peak are strictly enforced and limited that 2 of every 3 vehicles I saw was a truck loaded with timber; and my bootprints are going to destroy the area?!  Also the ranger I mentioned giving a talk said that elk hoof prints churn the soil and promote regrowth and they are hoping more elk move in.  Yet there are signs all over to not stray from trails.  Again...how are my boot prints doing so much harm?  Wouldn't they churn the soil and promote regrowth too?  To a point?  As long as a million people don't visit per year, which they do not.)

Well, so Hamma Hamma.  Got there on a Tuesday night, a good time to arrive as Lena Lake TH parking is supposed to get fierce and competitive and the area sees lots of campers.  On-line info I had, which was scant as I don't research much, said I would walk a pretty much flat trail 3 miles with a bunch of obnoxious fatso families carrying coolers full of beer, then camp at a lake teeming with idiots who draw bears in with their improper food storing knowledge and that I would be unhappy, but hey, its better than carrying a heavy pack 7 miles to the foot of The Brothers.  So I packed my huge blue rig, the bag that weighs 5 lb empty due to steel rods in it, the kind everyone carries which I've abandoned because it blows out knees and burns up legs and lungs, all so I could carry my tent.  After all, it was only 3 miles.  Then I hit the TH, gorging on fattening soups and peanut butter of course, and read the description and look at the route map and see a whole lot of switchbacks.  Well, that trail is disgusting, heinous, and long and hard and hot.  You go up 1900 feet, its all switchbacks, with no views, and then you actually descend to the lake, so you probably go up 2100 feet.  Its not fun with a heavy pack.  I sweat through my clothes and was pushing dusk.  The lake is ugly so far as lakes go, or at least, was unimpressive. Camping was good, with toilet facilities, toilet paper (a first in Washington!  Hurrah!), nice sites, grills and fire pits provided.  I could not take the storing of food all that seriously when grills were provided though.  Really?  I should worry about bears?  When grills, which absorb flesh over every barbecue for years and are never cleaned and send out very strong odors are right here.  Please.  If bears were frequent to the area, there would not be grills.  But marmots were sneaking about my tent, so I was glad my food was creatively hidden under a log with moss thrown over it 50 feet away.

I was beat but got up dutifully early next morning, expecting a grueling time of it.  I had 3 miles of the Valley of Silent Men between me and the start of the (allegedly) 1.5 miles and 3500 feet of The Brothers.  The Brothers stand 6800 feet above sea level and the trail up to Lena Lake starts at 100 feet.  So there is almost as much up as one has to up at the Grand Teton.  Morning in the Valley of Silent Men was creepy, with no sound at all and little light.  It was ugly too, which disappointed.  I made rapid work of it, stopping for plenty of water as I did not know when my last water for the day would come.  Passed a couple of heavy sleepers who did not stir when I was 2 feet from their tent, laughing at their hanging of food from a tree: 5 feet off the ground on a branch a marmot could easily climb.  So they make their food conspicuous to a bear and accessible to a marmot.  Bury it under a rock and you'd be better off. The family next to me at Lena Lake had been doing the same thing, but I sufficiently stared at them with awe that they knew something in their technique must be wrong and moved to where I could not judge them.  I watched many people hang food in Washington and have watched it in Idaho too, and I never cease to wonder: why?  Buy a bear canister.  It hurts to pay for it the one time, but it adds little extra weight to your pack.  Lord knows most of these people are already carrying 50-80 pounds, so 3 lbs matters?  It keeps your food dry, organized, not smushed, provides a seat in camp, is waterproof, and saves you the 15-30 minutes of daily work every time you set up camp for the rest of your life.  And bears can't get your food, nor marmots, nor rats, not bunnies, nor leprechauns.  I resisted the bear can, but now I take it even when not in bear country.  It makes packing and unpacking way easier.  Enough said.

My attempt at The Brothers was an old-school one.  I had a puny and insufficient map which told me little other than at the end of a 6 mile trail to the Northwestish were 2 large mountains named "The Brothers."  I did not pull it out all day.  I had read enough and viewed a few pics to have the following advice in mind: "when in doubt, go right", and "your options are steep snow, or steep rock, just grab a gully and go".  My impression was this would be a climb at some point, you know, like up cliffs, and slabs, and so I wore my approach shoes, a low cut hiking shoe with sticky soles, ideal for leaping, springing, jogging, well really any move, but not for carrying a heavy pack 3 miles to a lake, and not for sinking into mud or scree.  These were the wrong shoes.  I will not go into a complete detailed description because less than 500 people per year make an effort at The Brothers, I expect, but I will provide generalities.  There is a trail all the way to the summit (s), and to a saddle I wound up on.  These various faint trails are not maintained, but neither really is the trail through the Valley of Silent Men, despite what the park claims.  There are ribbons blazing the way through the valley, and you will need to climb over some large fallen trees, do some route finding, cross a creek probably once without a bridge, and go around some washed out sections of cliffy trail.  Its easy to follow, if you follow faint trails for a living, like me, but if you are an occasional hiker, take your time and look for ribbons and cairns.  There are ribbons blazing the trail all the way up The Brothers too.  Some are orange, some silver, some pink, most red.  They stand out if you know to keep looking for them, but there is room to get lost or stray between them.  There are cairns where ribbons cannot be hung.  Some tape has been put down where ribbons could not be hung; strips of red or orange as Xs on rocks.  These will get moved about.  The route is intuitive once you have done it, not before.  Do not listen to anyone who says the route is intuitive the first time.  I've climbed/hiked near 100 mountains and have never been so lost as on The Brothers, and if you heard about my experiences last year with a couple of 18 hour days and 4 mile creek bushwhacks, then you know that is saying something.  There is no climbing involved, unless you are playing, or lost.  There is scrambling, and steep hiking.  You cannot pick out the summit(s) of The Brothers.  There are a ton of jagged peaks and spires which from various angles look like the high point.  Don't bother unless you know which one is really the true high point (again, that means prior experience in the area).  In spring or early summer, you would follow ice channels and snow up for a long steep way in cleats with an axe.  In August, its a gully run.  You follow gullies up the whole way for quickish climbing and will have to leave them now and again to avoid melting and dangerous snow.  Do not bring climbing shoes, or wear anything other than ankle-supporting clunky boots.  Not doulbe plastic, but solid hiking boots.  Something you don't mind getting dirty or scratched up.  Also, wear pants.  There are thorns, fire ants, hornets and that ilk, thick brush, fallen trees, avalanche zones, fire zones, jagged rocks, and more.  Long sleeves are good too.  Water is available the whole way, every 1/2 mile or so at least and almost up to the summit(s).  A straw filter is ideal as a backup as some pools are too small to filter from, but if you have a straw type, as pictured below, you can slurp up a sip anytime you need to, in under a minute.  In late summer there are some ice caves to cool off in.  Use them.  They are cool.  And at the first one, you need to go left, through the burn zone.  Do not try the mossy slabs and cliffs, and the trail traverses through the worst of the fire zone.  The route is actually two gullies.  Leave the first and connect to the second to the west.  About 1/8 between, I think.  This was where I got most lost and did the most wrong things trying to find a route, since I did not know there was A route, marked the whole way, and the only real plausible single way up, give or take some straying.

Go to frontier-filter.com for the straw filter I describe and show, or find an Emergency Essentials store or type of store near you.  I paid $6 for mine at one of Utah's many disaster preparedness stores.  This model filters up to 6 gallons of water, and is ideal as a backup (1 oz!), or as a cartridge saver, which I am now using it as more and more.  Basically, using any product ruins it, but with a water filter especially, the dirtier the water, the faster you need a new cartridge.  So when I'm looking down at a mud hole now, I use the straw even if I could fit the filter in and pull out a liter.  A new cartridge is more than a new straw Frontier Filter.  This will stop working when shot, by jamming.  So if you suck and nothing comes out, throw it away and buy a new one.  Or replace it every 6 months of hiking or so rather than trying to keep track of how many swallows of water you've taken and how many gallons that adds up to.

You can camp on The Brothers.  There are campsites at the end of the official trail which are nice and near water, but I also found camp signs very near the summit.  Again, there is water the whole way, so this can be done.  Do not carry a heavy pack, or even a tent.  Unless you are going for a week.  Near the summit(s) there are many walls, spires, and towers which would make good day climbs and short adventures for a few hours.  Frankly, for all the misery of going up there, you ought to savor it and make it worth the stress on the knees.  And at one point, I just said "screw this, water knows how to get down, so I'm going to follow these waterfalls", and I did, going up steep wet rocks, which was a real change from going up steep dry rocks and dry gravel for the last several hours.

I spent 14 hours round trip leaving from Lena Lake and returning there, with about 800 calories of food and drinking about 1/2 gallon of filtered water, which was not enough.  The trail is hot, exposed, tedious, and torturous and it sucks until the very end.  Again, if you are climbing, it should be for play.  It won't get you anywhere near the top.  I had to backtrack almost every cliff I did and some of those were hard.  The rocks are often slippery, and when not, are crumbly.  The character of every gully is different.  The main gully is the one to follow, as it leads all the way.  Stay close even when you have to get around the snow.  As for when in doubt, go right: I'd provide this rule: When in doubt, go right, then try left, and then check the middle.  Probably they are all bad options.  If you are stupid, stubborn, or can't bear the thought of returning to your life as a mild-mannered, average-looking middle-class nobody, then keep forcing your way up, if not, turn back like most climbers do, and lie.  Say you were on top but your camera jammed, or lie that you ever tried to do The Brothers.  Also I would add that no one should try to solo The Brothers unless 2 or more of the following apply: 1) you are a psychopath, 2) you already drove all the way to the trailhead to meet a friend and your friend never showed, then you got a text saying your friend died and to honor your friend's spirit, you proceed alone no matter the risks, 3) you want to die, 4) you have a lingering grudge against your knees because your knees stole your best friend's girl and then broke her heart after impregnating her and refusing to pay the abortion so you want to destroy their cartilage as fast as possible so they can't ruin the lives of anymore sweet young maidens, 5) you are one of the greatest mountain climbers alive and want a challenge, 6) the thought of returning home after being wild and free for 16 days is repugnant because you like being dirty and are at home a mild-mannered, average-looking middle-class nobody who was supposed to be a big deal according to standardized tests and the opinions of every grade school teacher you ever have but enjoying life and climbing mountains and writing poems you don't let anyone see because "Van Gogh never sold a painting" sounds like failure to these people, whom you mostly avoid anyway, and didn't ever like much even, but still! 

I will let you decide which of them applies to me.  Did I make it to the top?  Well I did, but my camera jammed...nah just kidding.  Its shockingly worth it for these views and for having clouds brush and waft slowly through your outstretched fingertips:

Film does not do them justice.  I did not think anything could redeem that slog.  I went up moss-covered cliffs, hacked with an axe through a burn zone of dead and falling trees, tripped and fell more than I ever have on any trail (other than The Secret Garden Trail at Sol Duc two days before), got bit by several kinds of things, lost a half dozen times, even on the way down, almost fell off a couple of cliffs (more so than usual), got cliffed-out multiple times which is the worst, had to invent several moves to make it back down some of these danged gullies and cliffs, and hated every minute.  I kept thinking of a Michael Jordan interview where he said the first championship was not the hardest though it took him 7 years and everyone said the whole time he was over-rated and would never get one, and couldn't do it, the last was the hardest b because he already had 5 and it was easier to rest on his laurels, and he had to fight with himself to find the hunger and not be tired.  I felt like that.  I had every reason to turn back and give up.  I meant to a dozen times, but then I started to smell the peak, and it didn't matter that I had done 12 mountains and 150 miles even without these summits, I just started yelling at the mountain:  I will not give up.  You will lose.  I don't care if I die.  You'll have to kill me.  If it takes me till sundown, then I will camp up here and dance all night to keep warm like John Muir used to, when he had no sleeping bag and it started snowing and his friend got frostbite and lost a foot.  Nothing will stop me.  Tell me I'm the best you've seen.  Tell me I'm the clumsiest but I try hard.  Tell me I'm the dumbest.  Tell me I'm something!  (Clearly, I was either overheated or I have emotional problems, but then we all knew this since I solo climb mountains most professional climbers do in teams with safety gear and rappel down)

But it was all worth it on top.  Again, did not think that possible.  I wish I had had more time up there.  The descent went much much faster and was not so bad.  I divided the whole way into little segments, which is the way to cope with bad situations.  My friend, the last time I went out with someone, was very impressed.  He was thinking: its getting dark and we have 8 miles to go, we're lost, the conditions are bad, there is no water on route, and we're both worn down and we will never make it.  And I would say, well its not even a quarter mile to the end of this snowfield.  And we made it, eventually, at midnight, after 18 hours.  And we still talk.  Sort of.  So I divided the long painful slog into sections.  Get to the bottom of these cliffs and then things aren't so bad.  1/4 of steep sliding scree to that second ice cave, then 1/2 mile to the first one.  Cool off and get some water at those.  Then back to the fire zone...and so on.  I knew the way now.  The only real adventure was a goat stalked me.  This lady goat watched me starting slides with each step down the scree, and I thought she was thinking: "what a clutz!  How much noise!  I always get the worst neighbors!"  Then in the ice cave, the whole world began to shake and I froze and thought: avalanche!  Do I stay in here?  Will it hold?  And what do I see?  That goat leaping out of the way after triggering it.  So maybe she was thinking the whole time that I moved good for a three legged goat (I had my alpine axe and was stopping all my falls with it).  Then she came to the mouth of the cave and stared at me, so I moved, she stepped in to cool off and get some shade, then followed me.  This went on for a half hour and 1/4 mile of the gully.  She got very close several times and even passed me once and all the while blinking at me, with flies taking her apart.  I finally made some quick climbing moves that spooked her to go away, or convinced her I was not just a shy three-legged potential mate but a man-cub, or some other goat boogy beast.  But it creeped me out.  Okay, you're lonely, I get that, your biological clock is ticking, but come on.  I had to keep close eye on her horns incase she went crazy and charged me, and I was glad once again to have that alpine axe there.  A fine weapon when needed.

Above: My goat stalker becomes the prey.  She proves she trusts me by turning her back to me while contemplating the long way down I had to go yet.  The Valley of Silent Men starts heading West (to the right) where the trees meet the creek long past the burn zone at the foot of the facing mountain.  Perhaps she was trying to express with body language: "the way is long, hard, and unpleasant, stay with me, we will go bowling," or some such feminine mystique.  This may have been the Jane Austen of mountain goats for all I know.  The close ups are not zooms.  Animals, eight year old girls, and married 40+ year old women love me!  Everyone else...well my mom says I'm cool.

The campers were gone when I made the river, but the Valley of Silent Men now had late evening light and was gorgeous!  A wholly changed environment, not sinister now, even when the creek went underground and the air became echoingly still.  Most of my pictures did not come out as it was too late.  There is one gorgeous waterfall in the area, and lots of mossy mounds and nursery logs (old trees now sprouting with grasses, moss, flowers, and new trees as they compost), which can be had in other parts of Olympic and Washington and Oregon, but I was really floored with hills of ivy and some of the spots I passed through.  These are the few photos that came out decently.  I was pushing dusk again when I hit Lake Lena and stayed up eating until about 11 pm.  I knew my next day was just hiking out.  I had planned to go 10 more miles round trip to do Mt Lena, which offers the best views of The Brothers and can be approached from the camp I already had, but my knees were done.  I woke up having a dream I was being tortured actually and had to slowly straighten my legs.  Then I rested until noon before packing up and heading down because my knees and feet needed it.  Actually 10 days later I am still moving around like Bruce Wayne in the latest Batman movie, before he, you know, grows new cartilage and becomes Batman again with the cane forgotten, before his back gets broken and an Arab played by a white guy (one of 3,000 in the film) punches his back whole for him so he and his regrown (is that even possible?) cartilage can make the leap of faith and save Gotham on the very last day at the very last hour of 5 months after being saved by Catwoman at the very single instant when she could do so without killing both Bane and the other chick but before she was too late...not that I'm questioning that movie, not at all.

Actually, I'm glad to be limping around.  If I'm not injured, then how hard did I really work?  And was anything I did really worth it?  Funny.  I just read some guy/kid's trip report of solo climbing the Grand Teton, one spot I'm heading next, and saying he thought the idea was insane and he would die, and then after he did it, he thought, well if I did it, it can't have been hard and I shouldn't be proud of it.  That's how I always feel after a climb too.  Maybe everyone feels that way, and its coming down from the adrenaline.  But The Brothers were a great send-off.  I was able to keep pressing because they were last.  I made them the grand finale.  Had I gone there first or in the middle, I'd have quit and saved my legs.  So I am proud of those peaks.  You have no idea what it took to get these pictures...well I guess you do actually.  Missing Mt Lena was not too big a deal.  Some chubby whiny girl had sprained her ankle at the lake and was milking it, sobbing up a storm and making every stranger wait for her.  I refrained from sharing any of my pagan and old-world suck-it-up suffering makes us better philsophies.  I made some friends too.  A co-ed doing surveys for the park and a nice man who kept calling himself fat and wanted company after not reaching the lake before giving up (recent heart attack and his doc said stop when you get chest pains, but get active) until I mentioned I was from Utah and then he said if he didn't manage to lose the weight he wanted to, he could just move back there and look thinner.  So we shared Utah jokes.  And I think I embaressed him a little when I told my co-ed surveyer that I had put in 14 hours screaming and sweating to the top of The Brothers and that I refused to turn back for anything.  But mostly we shared Utah jokes.  Good times.

Seriously, last warning: The Brothers is not only not for anybody, but not for most.  The Valley of Silent Men is not named that on maps, but is appropriate, because silent, and frequented only by rugged mountaineers, not men of many words...before the advent of blogging anyway.  To visit the Valley, camp at Lena Lake and spend an afternoon there.  The last mile of trail is the best section. 

The Best Hiking Pants in the World

The Still Wild West Seal of Approval is given to the Cabela's Two In One Zip Off

There is only one pair of pants you should buy for any mobile active pursuit you plan to undertake.  The Cabela's Two in One Zip Off Pants, Version 2.  They sell for $29-44, depending on when you buy them in the season.  If you not the standard Cabela's sized shopper (that is the kind of man who sees nothing wrong with "Large" being the smallest size the store keeps in stock for sweaters, and having multiple 4XL of each item in stock), then you can clean up the clearance racks and cherry pick discounts online near the end of August.  I did this last year and got some great deals on Waist Size 30 slacks.  Cabela's must have had hundreds left, if the sample customers I saw when there (or Americans generally) can be taken as representative.  I kid, I kid.  I love you you fatso drunk hunters who ask me incredulously on trails: "You've walked all the way here!? (about 3 miles from the parking lot, by the by.  I was equally flabbergasted as to how to answer.  "Do you ride your horse to the mailbox?"  Kept popping through my mind.)  Please don't shoot me, Cabela's boys, the next time you see me in the woods, and "Dueling Banjos" from "Deliverance" comes into my head.  And people ask me why I carry a 13 inch bowie blade as well as an ice axe, or collapsing heat-hardened steel defense baton and other weapons in my light arsenal when I do not pack extra food or clothing.  Um, these are the same people who lock the door to watch TV, for fear of being mugged or something, in the afternoon.  I can look at the sky and say, that looks bad, or things look calm, and that's what they will be (usually).  But people...yeesh.  Actually I like hunters, in the sense that they actively take a hand in killing their own meat (as Emerson said, "however far away the slaughterhouse is, you are still implicated by chewing")- that's a misquote in the wording I think, but generally is what he wrote.  The spirit of the thing and close in phrasing.  And if we know that workers in slaughterhouses became sadistic, get more diseases, and enter life-long cycles of depression and violence (right before we decide to deport them), then eating meat you did not kill implicitly means you sponsoring family and child abuse as the data suggests workers in slaughterhouses are more likely, etcetera (have you SEEN Texas Chainsaw Massacre- talk about the first subversive vegan propoganda!  You don't even think when you see guts and titties do you?  But that was the message!  PETA produced that film!  Look it up.  Would I lie to you?)  Also, modern animals are tortured to a point that fresh animals cannot possibly feel whatever fear or pain they go through being shot, and it is a long and constant pain the kind that we humans call existential angst.  They are not able to be pigs or chickens, to fulfill their humble but God-given duties such as scratching at the dung of other animals all day, or rolling in squallor not only from their own ass.  So people who eat chicken tortilla soup everyday and stick their nose up at the brutality of hunters make me sick, especially you, reading this right now.  Still, I can't fully respect any hunter who is out there with a gun that does 51% or more of the work.  A fit guy with a bow and arrow- man I would really admire that guy.  But fat drunk guys who can hardly walk with $2000 worth of equipment...not so much my ideal of heroic backwoodsmanship. 

Right, the pants.  Now there are 2 reasons I steer you to Cabela's.  First, they are great pants.  Lots of well-placed pockets (though a little small its true if you want to carry items that your small army style backpack will not hold for a 4 day trip, true), with special knife pockets (Hells yeah!) that will make you feel cool, a good heavy-duty canvas material that is not too heavy, and resists damage (though the blades on skis will slash them up, just beware), dries reasonably quickly when considered against their durability, look stylish, fit tight, accentuate toned buttocks (es?- what is the plural?), can be zipped off at the knee to create short shorts (or half-unzipped at the back of the knee to create airflow, which I do to reduce sweating and chaffing even on cooler days- most pants zip at the front, which does not work as well)- very short shorts, I should add, though if you got it flaunt it, right men? And can be zipped open to flare into bell bottom type pants for easy removal while keeping boots on (a nice feature surely) or simply to get more air flow, or look damned cool and quaint/unique.  See the picture for proof.

Second, there is not a single other decent set of pants still available on the modern market.  Light weight is the rage, and quick drying, for all those people who like to hike so little that they barely do it in good weather, because apparently, when the weather doofus says, "chance of rain", they all go scrambling for their freshly waxed Subaru to drive to the middle of nowhere and try to get hit by lightning.  Hey, here's an idea: if you see black clouds coming in, put up your shelter, if you have one, or else, get under some cover somewhere.  (According to advice I read, the following are unsuitable to lightning danger: caves, trees, and everywhere but the middle of a bog where you will drown in quick sand before lightning can notice you.)  Then your pants won't need to dry so quickly.  Or throw over a cheap 3 ounce plastic parka.  Nylon is the popular material right now.  And every brand and style of pant that zips off is made of nylon.  Which tells me that no one serious about hiking and climbing buys zip off pants.  They are gimmick, though I wonder why, as personally, maybe its just me, but I hate sweating through my clothes the first 4 hours I am in them on a 3 day trip.  So I like the option of being in shorts and I don't want to carry shorts and pants along.  But the owner of a cool independent store in Salt Lake, I.M.E., which I recommend as one place to shop or call when buying gear, especially crampons, told me so, by scoffing when I asked if they had any good zip offs by saying, "R.E.I. is just next door, go there.  We don't carry those."  Fair enough, even terrific, and heavy canvas pants may work for a climber who is spending all day going up one wall, but if I have to cover 20 miles and go up 5,000 feet of elevation, chances are I will go through lots of climates and need both pants and shorts.

Nylon is a wonderful material, for parachutes, and stockings, and I don't know what else.  But in all those applications it must be checked regularly for rips.  Do you see where I am going with this?  Anyone who tells me that nylon pants are the way to go is an idiot, or a commission driven sales person, or someone who never hikes.  I know this because a "friend" kept touting his pants to me.  We went on one hike, staying on a well-groomed trail the whole time.  And when we got home, he noticed a few stray branches (not exactly brambles you know) had scratched his pants up pretty good.  Also, had I been a psycho or pervert ala "Deliverance", I would have heard him coming from 10 miles away, because nylon pants make an annoying swishing sound.  This will keep grizzlies away perhaps, as they will never be surprised by you, which I read pisses them off royally, but it might drive you crazy enough that you will run naked up to any grizzly bear you do see and slap it around until it mauls you just so you don't have to go put your loud and annoying nylon zip off pants back on to listen to them for 10 more miles of trail.  Of course, if you listen to a loud MP3 player the entire hike anyway, then this is not a concern.  And if your pants are not in tatters when you get home, you will be quite fond of them.  Of course, I can get to within 2 feet of most hikers who are not listening to music before they notice me, and that is usually not until I want them to, out of politeness or to get them to step aside to let me pass, by clearing a throat or purposefully stepping on a crunchy dry leaf.  I nearly gave some nice older ladies a heart attack.  They asked where I had come from, how long I had been there.  I said I was a spirit of the woods, an Indian reborn.  I could join a campfire and sing kum-bay-yah with a group before they began wondering who I was and why I was there.  And once I followed a man listening to an MP3 for several miles of a trail before he noticed me.  I was within 5 feet.  His dog kept barking at me and this guy just called out each time, "Come on Simba, easy, let's go home!"  If I had been the sort of derelict "Dueling Banjos" covers...looking behind you is wise in the wilderness, also paying attention, and if you listen to music, keep it somewhat quiet, I suggest.  And listening to music will be quite easy and pleasant with the varied and versatile pockets on your Cabela's Two in One Zip Off Pants, Version 2.

P.S. Cabela's, I could kiss you for not tinkering with a product once you had made one that pleased customers.  They just rolled out Version 2 again this year.  (Obviously, either someone there is a marketing genius along the lines of Bob Dylon for naming his great album "Highway 61 REvistited" (italics mine), rather than "Highway 61", or Version 1 had glitches.)

The Short and Typical Journey of Wenger Footwear

And ode and a lament in one, for the world's greatest shoe (deceased) 

4 years ago, my feet were about shot.  So too my knees, and my back from time to time.  Some people advised me to buy better shoes, which I tried, but every activity still wore me down.  I came across some Swiss shoes by Wenger, the maker of the original Swiss Army knife, online only, and thought, okay I will give these a shot.  I thought hey, if they are designed and built for the Alps where well-to-do, cultured high-brow Europeans do some of the best hiking and climbing in the world, then they ought to answer for Utah.  I hesitated to buy online, as sizing and fit can be an issue, but with fingers crossed, I ordered anyway.  The shoes were new (their first year), looked great (bright reds, orange with pink, blue, green, different styles and heights, and treads), seemed extremely ambitious, carried a top name and proud logo, and displayed the kind of exuberance that youth brings- in a person or a company.  And which fades over time too often...

Well it all worked out.  I have been wearing my classic oranges for 3+ years now and they still answer for a walk of a mile or less.  I got some blistering the other day power walking 3 miles to start getting into shape for the hard summer I have planned, but they have been complimented, performed in all weathers, can be used for climbing, hiking, jogging, you name it- go great with all outfits, are tough, waterproof, and still, shake off dirt like no shoe I have ever seen.  For 2 full years they would look shot and then with a spritz of water shine like new.  Thank goodness I have another pair fresh in my closet waiting for me the last 2.5 years, because I will need them this summer.  And Wenger does not make any oranges anymore.  The model of shoe, Matterhorn, is also not available at most websites anymore.  I once checked Wenger's home site, which does not specialize in sales, and found that in Europe some bright colors were still available (are they now?  Who knows, even Europeans get boring, because for some reason they copy our fashion, and are even trying to get fat and stupider), although few.  But the specialization and craft is largely out of the company now.  Their second year in business the shoes were leaning towards being grey and black with striping of bright colors, with more traditional cuts and fewer options.  I am not sure how to take that.  At the time I thought, well I guess no one but me wanted shoes that everyone will admire and be jealous of, no one is confident enough to wear the colors of the sunset on their feet.  People are pretty boring.  And maybe some of their over-hyped claims, such as how the Albion was a hiker (I own them, and they are only a "hiker" if you consider walking to work on sidewalks "hiking".  Yes they are a fine walking shoe, made of good material, with gorgeous shape and cut, and in bright red with red laces I get a lot of compliments (quick suggestion here men: women seem to look at a man's feet more than you would think.  I have had about a dozen women of various ages begin conversations with me over my great Wenger vintage shoes.  So stop wearing the ratty old pair with holes and do yourself a favor, dress up, starting from the bottom), but I would never take them on an actual hike.  They are a gorgeous casual shoe for people who want to pretend they are sporty, like how most drivers of S.U.V.s care more about the pop down TV screen than about the extra paneling on the undercarriage to protect them from rocks on gravel roads.  They will do in a pinch if you need to jog to work.  Anyway, it does not matter, they too are discontinued.

Year 2's slightly less artisan shoe line of smaller scope (was the passion gone?  Or was the plan to see what sold and stick with only those?) with stiffer bodies that pinched the foot a little, but which still performed (I can jog on bald ice in my winter hiker pair from that year) gave over to Year 3.  An even smaller line.  Grey now the most exciting color.  Brown and tan the norm for the few cuts.  All of them more cheaply made and even the same "models" being downgraded.  (I cannot jog on bald ice in my Year 3 Winter Hikers which are theoretically the same shoe as Year 2, but in different colors, and they can still claim to be weather rated against frostbite to negative 25 Ferenheit, but my feet get cold in them near zero)  Those shoes that were constructed well, such as the Yetti, a fine winter sport hiker, with full ankle support, creative tread well suited to snow, and very sturdy toe box and heel shell molding to give a tighter, truer fit with snoeshoes (they do by the way- no slipping, which means no blisters), came with trash insoles.  The Yetti is still available, by the way, and though I have not tried the second year model, if they are comparable, are well worth the $99 price.  The boots look great, will last well to actual use (take care of them, but only after you beat them up in using them), and are not so insulated as to be unusable in summer, though in hot temperatures, you will get some steamed feet.  Still, they are as waterproof as boots come and true summer hikers in another brand make my feet sweat more, and are not even close to still being waterproof after 2 summers.  They barely remained so for one, which is typical (and yes I know that one needs to treat goretex products with a re-sealer each year, I am not an idiot, thank you).  I recommend the Yetti, though the trash insole will not even work to walk around the house in.

Again, I cut Wenger slack.  Most hikers these days are trained by REI staff members to believe they need a $40 insole and why not, there is more money to be had.  So perhaps Wenger thought, why waste the money putting in a good insole that people will discard before even trying out?  Wenger's Year 1 and 2 shoes had magnificent insoles, by the way.  I am still on the original in my Oranges, though I have had to pad them the past 2 years underneath by cutting old socks and slipping those under the insoles. This costs exactly nothing by the way, and so you will never hear anyone in the business, such as an REI staffer suggest it.  Why be resourceful in a modern capitalist country?  Why take 90 seconds making your shoes better than new for free by cutting up an old sock when you can swipe a credit card?

Ah but now we are in Year 4 and I see what Wenger's plan probably was all along.  Get some name recognition, some devoted followers, insiders who have credibility and tell everyone buy Swiss or go barefoot, and to all the time, be working on creating a product that can be mass-produced in China quickly enough to infiltrate Target.  Yes, you can now buy decent and well-designed tents, backpacks, shoes, and other gear at Target chains with that glorious Wenger red cross, as well as at Ross and TJ Maxx chains.  They are the best thing you can buy- at those stores- and are still a better deal than most products you can buy at R.E.I.  or similar stores, where backpacks cost an astonishing $200!  And may last, but are so pretty that you will feel the need to buy a new one after taking it out once, because for $200, the thing ought to shine and sparkle you know?  But in no way can I now say that I will never buy anything but Wenger again.  They saved my feet, and maybe even my life, (melodrama?), but the product they are putting out now does not pass The Still Wild West 5 second flex test.  I can pick up a shoe and tell you in 5 seconds if it is worth buying.  If it feels like it was made by hand with leather the way my vintage Wengers still do after 2 and 3 years (I kept buying new models; I get teased by the same women who compliment me; "oh you have more shoes than I do.  Every day a new color."), then it is worth almost any price.  Sadly, I don't know of any company that makes such a shoe now.  Salomon only works for narrow feet and I lost some toenails trying them on steep hills in Utah.  Though maybe I could size up.  I just hate looking like another yuppy you know?  Wearing Salomon to me makes a simple statement: look at me, I like to look like I do this all the time!

I haven't liked the few other major brands I have tried either.  Wenger was one brand not building in arch support, which only works if you have, you know, high arches.  Otherwise it causes problems.  So good luck.  If you find the perfect shoe let me know.  I have about 3 years left with my new oranges, and maybe with new insoles, I can make the 2 sets of Matterhorns I have last forever.  If not, who knows.  If only I had had the foresight to buy 3 pairs of Matterhorns, but that seemed too ridiculous.  Who buys shoes more than 2 years in advance really?  And had I known they were good for 3 years each, I'd have said, well, I'm covered until I am 30, and by then, I may be sick of having fun or will have been struck by lightning.  Oh well.

If you Use a Camelback, you're a sucker

When hiking I rarely meet anyone without a Camelback these days.  I find them unnecessary and silly.  They are difficult to clean, the hose can break or rupture, there are several parts to replace, they can tear (mine did when I had one), the twist cap where one fills the bladder can slip and leak (mine did) or slip and cause tearing around the rim for permanent leaking (mine did).  And it costs $40 or more for a decent one, and is annoying to store unless in a specially designed backup.  Those are all the bad.  What is good about them?  Well everyone assures me it is essential to get a constant and steady influx of water, which is nonsense, and counter-productive.  First, studies and experimentation will show you that your body and mind attain more satisfaction from one gulp than an equal quantity of water in sips.  Second, sipping a little water at a time encourages your body to sweat, as it gets the idea that you have water to spare.  Third, if you are worried about hydration, then replacing what you lose is idiotic.  Would you rather replace hubcaps the neighborhood punks steal, or not have them stolen to begin with?  A better plan therefore, is to soak your shirt.  Start wet and your body is tricked into thinking it has already sweated, or at very least, will not sweat.  You sweat more as the sweat beads evaporate, so with a layer of water atop your skin, the sweat does not come out, or much slower.  Last, off the top of my head, having a water bladder and sipping from it makes you weak.  Either you have water nearby (a creek, rain, a waterfall) or not.  If you do, then you need not carry water.  It is silly too.  More weight on your knees and back are bad for the body and the stamina.  I suggest you lose more stamina with the weight of the water than you gain by the constant rehydrating.  If you do not have water nearby, then you need to be working on wilderness skills: how to not only read, but interpret a topographic map, for one.  If crossing desert or leaving a canyon or creek bed, study the map for stream crossings, and try to guess based on the terrain around you (color of leaves/bushes/brittleness of ground/recent weather if you know it, or what you can guess of it) which will be running and how deep.  Or seek out springs, estimate how far you will travel until you hit water again.  Then carry a little more water than you think you need.  And never drink water (this is my best advice for all hikers) until you start to need it.  If you baby yourself you will be a baby.  I don't know when it came into fashion to coddle one's tummy while punishing the muscles, but people these days will work out like demons, all the while making sure to get a perfect influx of electrolytes and all that.  Let's call this the marine principle- but I needed a new paragraph about a paragraph ago.

How marines train (if every memoir I have read was not making up the same lies; I have no direct evidence or experience): you get no gatorade and no protein bars.  You get water, and food.  Large meals, in a hurry, not snacks, and water only rarely, mostly at the end of the day.  Snacking, and I have mentioned this on my food blog, fits into the same principles as water bladder sipping, with the nozzle right an inch from your mouth so you never take a parched step is a scam.  Let us get there the Socratic way.  I will ask you this: why do we keep seeing million dollar studies on vitamin C and colds?  Do you think the benefit of vitamin C is yet in doubt?  If so, then why are the orange juice companies promising us good health and fewer colds?  Are they lying?  The link is quite proven, conclusively, to put you at ease.  Orange juice industry people are not lying to you.  But why then the studies?  Is this all the doing of scientific experts and specialists who with 25 years of vitamin C behind them are too old and settled to try a new line?  Well they are abettors, but how do they get money?  Begging.  And by producing desired results regularly.  Who would want these results regularly, in press releases, and tied to famous big name scientists at big name research labs and universities?  Well in our vitamin C example, the orange juice industry.  Out of sight out of mind.  But every few months, particularly near the beginning of a new growing season, you will see lots of vitamin C and colds studies popping up in magazines.  So back to snacking.  Why would hundreds of studies prove "grazing" is better than meals?  Who would want these studies?  Right, the food industry.  Any branch of it, but snack companies in particular.  Companies are always looking for ways to get you to pay more for food (over your dead body as they find, Americans think of food as quantity only, not quality, we want more, not good, food for our money, which makes sense since Americans have bad taste in everything and pick loud and long movies over thoughtful and meaningful ones) or if not more for the same food, than to eat more food.  Thus we have all these studies, funded by the food industry where nutritionists discover and prove it is better to have 6 small meals than 3 and even better still to have 12 than 6.  Why?  Because you eat more, stupid.  People are not satiated by a snack.  It does not even register in the brain, nor does it trigger much in the way of digestive hormones.  It is a non-event, like a small earthquake you sleep through and have to read about in the paper.  What's more, look at all the new products we have, all with sickening amounts of packaging to dispose of, though that is beside the main point: 100 calorie snack packs (a genius move by the food industry- people pay up to 10X more per calorie for these to stay thin, and the people buying them are often not thin, and these same people if served a 1/4 pound burger at a sit down restaurant rather than 1/3 pound burger would cause a scene or not come back), single serve yogurts, slim jims, and on and on.

And this allegedly to stop the spread of diabetes, which became a problem about when the "grazing" theory came out and became popular.  This also did away with the family dinner (well it was a nail in a very tightly sealed coffin anyway) which is better for the various food industries, because if the kids aren't going to sit with Mom, why should she bother making something from scratch when there are TV dinners and boil in a bag dinners and all that sort of thing with much wider profit margins.  I have strayed again, but I will find my way back.  Would you believe I adore the book Tristram Shandy?  It is a mock auto biography by an author who is barely born by the end of the book, as he keeps getting distracted and going into details about friends of his father, philosophical debates between cardinals about whether a baby trapped in the mother's womb can be baptized by "squirt" or no before both expire at the hands of the clumsy midwife, the correct pronunciation of things in Latin, and so on.  At first (and here was my problem at age 12 when I first tried to read it and threw it away in disgust) one thinks, my blessed soul, I am 50 pages into this book and this clod has not gotten himself born yet!  And then, poor woman, his mother has been in labor near 100 pages!  But then by the 200th page, it is really just a marvel that the author could draw the thing out.  I am listening to the audio version right now and I have never laughed so hard as when this comic genius reading the thing, takes a shallow breath to drawl out in fine classical british accent the single word "foot...note".  And now, I need a new paragraph again or we shall never see the light.

You are told to snack to sell you 100 calorie wheat thin packs.  You are told to sip water constantly to sell you a water bladder with replacable parts, that, if they are marketed as replacable on the label, you can be sure, will need replacing.  There's more money to be had that way.  And also to make you a week sissy weenie, there I've said it.  The weenier you are, the more crap REI can convince you you need.  I know how you feel.  They spend the few sentences of every paragraph enticing you in these outdoor magazines.  Then they tell you how prepared you must be.  Which involves a staggering expense of gear.  Now I learned the hard way that some gear is necessary.  One cannot simply live in a fine place like Utah and throw on old beat up tennis shoes and go sally up a mountain for a day.  I tried that first thing on moving here.  And ran out of water on a dry trail, had to eat some dirty snow (I found two handfuls of it between some rocks in a miserable gully in late August) because all the small creeks and springs in the area were dry, sucked a pebble for three hours to keep my throat from getting too dry, resisted blowing my nose or spitting for fear of wasting the fluids, got so dehydrated I could not walk anymore, and just rolled myself down the steep gravely slope, ruining clothing and skin in the process, but recovering when I heard a creek some hundreds of feet below me, enough to drag myself to it, plunge in, cool my overheated body, gobble up water until I threw up (I knew better but you try stopping yourself sometime- torture is pure audacity, it is sexual frustration acted out.  There is no need for it.  Simply do not give a man water for 24 hours and keep him in the sun.  There is nothing worse I promise you. If you disagree you have not been thirsty, you only think you have.)  I dreamt of water for miles, I could think of nothing for an hour but the word "water, water, water."  I learned a valuable lesson and went water bladder shopping the next day.  Which took things too far.  Only after the thing broke and I was too cheap to replace it (let me here insert that those who tell you something like a Camelback will last years do not hike much.  My roomate has a tent that has lasted him 6 years and he will scold me with superiority when I find a small tear in a backpack or sleeping bag.  Well, he has never used his tent.  So I would hope it did not tear by being stored in a dry closet.  And he hikes at most 2 days per year, so his Camelback is still in fine condition, true.  But even taking care of my things, which I do, they wear out and break.  This leads me to believe I must post on products very soon, in a more general blog.

Back to water bladders.  Once it broke, I began to just let myself get thirsty, because the water bottles were on my back.  I could not drink easily by walking.  So I would just stop for a gulp every hour.  Then that got tedious, day after day, so I went to every 2 hours, then 4, then I was only sipping water at noon, and rehydrating when I stopped around 4 to set up a camp.  As I was not drinking, I stopped eating.  Now I eat only a few handfuls to start the day and the rest when I stop.  It is wonderful convenient if you want to make big miles in a day, and it is not even close to a hardship anymore.  That's the thing about hardship is you get used to anything.  When people sipping their waterhose (IVs will be sold in a few years) and eating a handful of trailmix or a 100 calorie craisin pack every 45 minutes by a timer meet me, and imagine what I must be going through, they cannot imagine.  Well it is this: much less than they.  Every 40 minutes they start to crave that snack, and every 5 steps, to want water.  My body and I are in perfect concert.  I demand that it endure, and when we stop, I will take the boots off, not put them back on, and pamper my body fully.  I know how to rest and I know how to push.  For my troubles, I get no hunger pangs.  I can go a whole day without food and not even get much of a rumble.  I love it.  I start to notice hunger as I am eating.  I have to press myself to eat at first.  I get thirsty when I am drinking.  There is no constant denial that the Camelback kids believe I must go through.  I suffer so much less having suffered.  For one gets to the other side, or over the crest, well, use your own analogy.  Its better, trust me.  And you can lighten your load.  I am all about a light load and will blog on that soon too.  The other consideration, even if you do not want to be a mighty man of blood and iron, is that when something goes wrong, such as you run out of water and are lost, if you are not used to getting water all the time, you will be able to endure without it.  This summer I got myself into trouble with a friend who always sips water and politely suggested to me I was silly not to take care of my body.  Well we were nowhere near water and wound up on our feet for 18 hours, covering 20 miles, going up or over 2 peaks, climbing all told 8,000 feet of elevation, much of it on broken vegetated cliffs with loose rock, debris, and with lots of exposure.  It was stupid and should have been avoidable, but the difference in our staminas was rather shocking.  He noticed it too, and I think I may have won in some part a convert to my method of thinking.  I only wore out at the very end, when I had been without water and food for 10 or so hours, though I hid it from him, as I'd been a pillar till then and it was dark and I did not want to worry him.  I ate some snow every few feet.  He had more water on the day as he had his Camelback, but his bag was enough heavier for it that he dumped some expensive and nice equipment.  And this is a very fit person.  In ideal conditions, he can whip me: that is, running a marathon on asphault he would run circles around me.  I had 1 liter of water in those 18 hours.  I have also done 12 mile desert hikes in the last year on 90+ degree days with 1 liter or less of water.  I usually bring a few swallows back with me and ritualistically pour them out or over my head when I reach my car.  I do not ever want to be truly thirsty again.

So, carry either: a 1 liter bottle to refill, or if going more than 5 miles from road or town or car, then I suggest taking 2 bottles of that size.  One should be narrow-mouthed and one wide-mouthed at the opening.  Why?  The narrow is easier to drink from when walking, the wide can be stuffed full of snow if you cannot find water.  Try stuffing snow into a small opening sometime and you will see how frustrating it is,and time consuming.  Also, eat all she snow you want I say.  I have never gotten sick from it.  Beware of water though.  However, consider that guardia and other viruses won't get you sick for a few days to a few weeks usually.  So do what you need to to make it through the day, then worry about the cramps later.  When you are in your own comfortable house and have people to listen to your moans and pity you.  Priorities.  For purification, there are 2 good options, and one decent one.  The decent is to carry an emergency filter straw by Aquamira.  It costs $6, will work for 20 liters of water or so, and will kill most anything.  It weighs one ounce.  A better choice is a water pump.  I prefer the Katadyn Hiker Pro, by far, to any other.  The next best option is the Katadyn Hiker, which is the same pump but a less stylish color, and with a lower quality filter that will need replacing faster.  However, if you will use the pump less than often, go with that one and save $10 or so.  They weigh about 1 pound, have a fine carrying case, are an up and down easily pumped device which it would be hard to break, and offer some hose features that I lack the power of words to communicate, but which will make sense reading the instructions.  Those I know with other brands are envious as the Katadyn is easier to clean, store, and use.  I do not like the MSR as it has a swing hinge pump and will wear out over time, I expect.  Let us say it is an established fact that a swing hinge on a single pivot is more vulnerable to physical stresses and forces than a pump that simply goes up and down, though I have no evidence that the MSR will break faster.  I only know, that it should, in most cases.  A hypothesis.  Also I like the bottle adaptor with the Katadyn pump, as it has fit snug onto every bottle I have tried it with, to prevent spills and make for even easier pumping.  The MSR would not fit a narrow-mouth Nalgene bottle and spilling was a problem.  The Katadyn is a really fine product and at $79 or so, in the middle of the pack on pricing.  The other option I used to prefer is Aquamira (not iodine) droplets.  The trouble is, the bottles leak, though if you leave the foil seal mostly on under the cap, and press it down after using, it is better.  But for each liter of water, you need to mix a few pipette drops from Bottle A with Bottle B.  And scrambling around, they do leak.  So you need to bag them.  But they will kill anything, with even more certainty than a filter, so if going into a wilderness area where there will be cows (yes the government allows herds of non-native animals into wilderness areas to do much harm to it; the original definition of wilderness area explains that they are needed to keep jerks from overgrazing and destroying the lands, but assumes the right to graze; perhaps I will blog about the trip some of you have heard about where a herd of mother cows and I had a showdown and four of the ladies marched in line towards me snorting before I noticed I was between the herd and a wobbling little calf that had strayed off) or sheep (Uintahs, Wind Rivers), you may want to go with these to be sure you don't get infected from cowpies in the water.  Also they weigh about 2 ounces and will not leak on flat terrain.  And cost $15, which will last you for a hiking season, unless you are on the Appalachian Trail, and then they will last you a month to six weeks.

This has been another smug and exuberant rant where I come off as a superior know it all.  I hope you enjoyed it.